Once
by RedHeadedFlame
Summary: Because sometimes once is all you can have. Originally submitted for Fandom4llS 2015.


**This is the piece I wrote for Fandom4LLS back in August and now I'm sharing it on here. Hope you enjoy it**

 **Warning: there is a scene in this that some may find distressing.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own the Hunger Games or any of its characters. They belong to Suzanne Collins.**

* * *

 _Once_

I inhale deeply the familiar smells of yeast and flour as I approach the bakery door. There is something so warm and comforting in the smell. A smile appears on my face and my heart beats just that little bit faster. I hitch my game bag up higher onto my shoulder while I grip the three plump and juicy squirrels tightly in my hands. It's been a good haul today. The woods seem to be full of life at the moment and I have already made good trades with the butcher and the mayor. But I always leave this door until last. It is my favourite place to trade.

I knock on the door and wait patiently for him to answer. As I wait, I feel a slight cramp in my stomach and I grimace slightly as I rub my hand across it to soothe it. The pain goes after a minute and then Peeta is opening the door. He has flour in his hair, frosting on his cheek and his eyes light up when he sees me. A warm smile spreads across his face and I chuckle at his messy appearance as he steps aside to let me in. I shake my head as I walk towards one of the counters to place down the three dead squirrels.

"Baking with Rye again?" I ask as I lay the squirrels down.

Peeta chuckles as he wipes a hand across his cheek to remove some of the colourful frosting.

"How did you guess? We waste so many ingredients when he is baking. Most of it ends up out of the bowl," Peeta replies.

I laugh as he comes up beside me to inspect the squirrels. But the laughter dies on my lips when I feel his hand gently resting on the small of my back. He leans over to look at the meat. My skin prickles and my heart does a somersault. I relish the feel of his hand on me.

I curse myself for my body's reaction. It shouldn't react to him this way. It's not allowed to. And yet, at the same time, I don't want to move away.

We've been trading for ten years. Since his father retired, Peeta has had the run of the bakery. His two older brothers married into families that had openings in their trade leaving the bakery for their youngest brother. I can't imagine anyone else working here. Peeta just fits so naturally amongst the ovens. Almost like bread is just an extension of himself. And his delicately decorated cakes are perhaps the prettiest things in District 12.

I barely said two words to him the first few years we traded. He's from the town and all golden and clean. I don't trust town folk who seem to have so much more than us.

And then there was the bread.

The bread he took a beating for when we were kids and threw to me when my family were starving. I took that bread but never thanked him for it. I found it difficult to look into his eye because of my embarrassment of needing his charity.

But Peeta is just so kind. And kind people have a way of worming their way into my heart.

No matter how sullen and grumpy I was to him, he would always greet me with a warm smile and cheery words. He always trades more than what my meat is worth. At first I was angry, thinking that he saw me as charity. I hate owing people and that was part of reason I felt so uncomfortable around him to begin with. But I have come to realise kind gestures like that are just who Peeta is.

Slowly he broke down my walls and I began to tentatively respond to his questions. It started with a few exchanged words at the door about the weather and the colour of Effie Trinket's hair before the conversations gradually grew in depth. I now always spend at least 10-15 minutes laughing and chatting with him by the bakery ovens. It is my favourite part of the day.

I never expected to like a person like Peeta Mellark but we've formed this unusual friendship. For a little while I can forget about how I am going to get dinner on the table and the oppression the Capitol put upon us and just let myself smile.

But the last few years my feelings towards him have begun to develop into something more dangerous. Something I shouldn't feel. It's the flutter in my stomach and the heat on my skin when he innocently touches me. The blush on my cheeks when he smiles at me a certain way. There is something brewing in my heart that I struggle to deny.

But I can't acknowledge it. It is betrayal of the worst kind.

Peeta turns the squirrels round to inspect them and his hands run over the area where I shot the squirrels right through the eye. He turns to look at me with a grin and then chuckles as he catches sight of something on the side of my cheek.

"Looks like I'm not the only one who has got messy. You look terrifying with blood all smeared down your cheek," he says.

He reaches out and I hold my breath as he gently wipes the blood away. My heart begins hammering in my chest and part of me desperately wants to close my eyes and lean into his touch.

But I can't. I won't.

He smiles at me sweetly and my heart does that flip again. I could get lost in his blue eyes, so clear and bright. Time seems to stop as he looks at me. The dust mites seem to freeze in the air and the sound of the ovens fade into nothingness. His smile and blue eyes are all I can see.

But I am thirty-four years old. I shouldn't be reacting like a school girl with a crush whenever I am around him.

We stare at each other for a long moment before I cough and move my gaze away from him.

"Thanks. No wonder the mayor was looking at me funny," I say wiping the rest of the blood off my face.

Peeta chuckles as he moves away to get some loaves to trade with.

"I can imagine. You are intimidating enough without blood smeared all over your face," he replies with a grin.

"I am not intimidating!" I exclaim.

This just makes Peeta laugh louder as he moves back round the counter to place the loaves down. His eyes lock onto mine before he reaches up to tuck a strand of hair behind me ear.

"Why do you think I didn't talk to you at school? Your scowl is enough to scare away even the bravest of men. Gale was just the exception," he replies.

I know he is only joking but I wonder if that is really how I came across at school. I didn't have many friends but I liked it that way. But now I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't intimidated people. Would Peeta have had the courage to talk to me then? Maybe we would have become friends earlier and my life would have taken a different path. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling so guilty about my feelings now.

His hand is still resting just behind my ear leaving my skin tingling. He's still looking at me with that smile. A smile that causes my legs to feel like jelly and only seems to draw me nearer to him. My heart doesn't know how to cope when he looks at me like that. Like I am the sun on a rainy day.

But suddenly we are interrupted by a small whirlwind which rushes into the kitchen and collides with my legs. Peeta quickly drops his hand from my neck and takes a step away as I look down at my attacker.

"Katniss! What did you bring today? Did you find any strawberries?" the little boy asks.

I break my gaze from Peeta to look down at the five year blond boy who has bright blue eyes and dimples just like his father. I smile at him fondly as I crouch down beside him and pull out the leather pouch from my game bag. I open the string of the bag and the little boy peers inside.

"I found a massive big patch! More strawberries than I could carry! I saved some especially for you," I exclaim.

The boy's eyes grow wide in excitement and he begins bouncing up and down on his feet. He turns to look at Peeta with absolute joy in his eyes.

"Can I eat some now, Daddy? You said I've been good helping you with the baking," the boys asks.

Peeta smiles affectionately at his son as he prepares his daddy voice.

"You can have two, Rye. I don't want you to get full and spoil your dinner," he replies firmly.

Rye nods his head eagerly before turning back round to face me and dipping his hand in the pouch to get his juicy treat. I smile at him as I see the absolute joy over something so simple.

Peeta has had Rye in the bakery from only a few months after he was born. Whether it was sitting in a high chair as Peeta snuck him bites of cookies or standing on his little stool helping his daddy mix the dough, he's always been here.

He really is the sweetest child. So innocent and bright eyed and always full of stories for me when I come in. I fear for him as he grows up and learns the harsh realities of District 12 life. I know I am going to fear his name being called in seven years' time as it is put in the reaping bowl for the first time. Someone like Rye is never going to survive a Hunger Games.

Peeta says he has a little crush on me. Apparently he fell for me the moment I told him the story of how I wrestled a bear for some honey. Apparently fighting with a dangerous beast makes me super cool. He often hands me a flower he has picked or a picture he has drawn whenever I come round. This little boy has a special place in my heart.

And that's why my feelings for Peeta are so wrong.

He's married. To the florist's daughter. They have this beautiful and charming son together and he loves his wife. They are the picture perfect family. All blonde hair and blue eyes. I see them walking in town together and no one can deny how happy they look. They have huge smiles on their faces as the chase Rye about and hoist him in the air. I don't want to ruin that.

And then I have Gale. My husband for the last ten years. My best friend and hunting partner. The only person I trust with my life. The only person who understands the hardships we face.

I love him. Why would I throw that away over some crush on a townie?

My feelings are wrong. They are stupid. I wouldn't do anything to hurt Gale. I can't do anything to hurt Rye.

I get another twinge of pain in my abdomen and I grimace again as my hand reaches out to rub my stomach. I'll have to ask my mom about the pain when I get home. I'm not sure it is a good thing.

But Rye has finished his strawberries now and is looking at me with a big smile and juices dribbling all down his chin.

"Thank you, Katniss. Strawberries are my favouritest food in the whole wide world!" he exclaims.

I chuckle as I reach out to wipe the juices off his chin. He turns his head up to look at his dad.

"Where's my present for Katniss?" he asks. "I want to give it to her."

Peeta smiles at him and gestures for him to come round to the other side of the counter.

"It's over here. I've kept it nice and safe for you," he says.

Rye rushes round to the other side and jumps up and down while he waits impatiently for Peeta to bring down the gift. Peeta reaches up for a bread tin and carefully removes a bread like structure from within it. Rye grips onto it eagerly as he rushes back round to present it to me.

"I spent all day yesterday making it. Daddy showed me how to plait the dough to make your braid!" he exclaims.

I smile at him gratefully as I take the gift off him. It's a person made out of dough and sure enough it has a plaited section to resemble my braid at the side of its head. Roughly drawn on eyes and mouth even show me to be smiling.

"It's a dough doll. Daddy has been teaching me how to make them. I'm going to make one for the baby when it's born. Then we can play with them together!" Rye says.

I smile at his enthusiasm but grow sombre when I hear him mention the baby. I get another twinge in my stomach and my hand reaches out to rub it again.

As if her ears are burning, Violet, Peeta's wife, comes through rubbing a soothing hand across her five month pregnant stomach. My eyes are immediately drawn to it and I get a twinge of jealousy.

"Rye Mellark, let me see your hands. Did you wash them?" Violet asks.

Rye looks sheepish as he hides his hands behind his back. Peeta gives his son a pointed look.

"You know the rule. You can't come in here with dirty hands. We don't want to mess up the bread," Peeta says.

"It was taking too long! Mommy already made me wash my face," Rye sighs.

Peeta and Violet share a look as they both shake their heads before Peeta makes his way round to Rye.

"Come on. Let's wash them now. I might let you frost a cookie if you do," he says.

Rye reluctantly lets his dad lead him to the sink. Peeta turns on the faucet and hoists Rye up so he can wash his hands. Peeta listens patiently as Rye babbles about what he wants to draw on the cookie.

I watch them with longing as I see how patient and good Peeta is with him. I love seeing the relationship the two of them have. It reminds me of the relationship I had with my dad. It is clear they both love each other very much.

Violet sighs as she continues to rub her hand across her belly. She turns to me with a warm smile.

"I'm looking forward to your squirrels today. The baby has been craving them recently," she says.

I give her a forced smile. As easy as I find it to talk to Peeta, I can't say the same for Violet. She is perfectly nice. Always polite with a kind smile. She doesn't look down at me because I am from the Seam. But I can never relax around her. Probably because of my not so innocent thoughts about her husband.

Everyone thinks they are the perfect couple. She's beautiful with long, flowing blonde hair and eyes the colour of sapphires. She always has a smile on her lips and just enough backbone to stand up to his mother. She's everything I am not.

Peeta puts Rye back down on the ground and he rushes back round to wrap his arms round Violet's legs. Peeta smiles as he shakes his head and comes back round to stand next to his wife and son. His hand goes to rest against Violet's belly and the sight feels like a knife to the gut. I didn't expect the sight of him lovingly rubbing her belly would affect me so much.

I gulp as I avert my gaze away from them.

"Katniss brought strawberries. Can we have them with cream tonight for dinner?" Rye asks.

Both Peeta and Violet look at their son lovingly and Peeta reaches down to brush a hand through his son's curls.

"I'm not sure we have any cream left," Violet replies.

Rye huffs and I realise that I need to get out now. I don't want to intrude on this family any longer. My jealously at the sight of them together just grows stronger.

I turn around to pick up the loaves of bread and Rye's gift before stuffing them in my game bag. I need to get home to Gale and forget all about Peeta and Rye and how I don't fit into their lives.

But as I do the pain in my abdomen grows sharper and I gasp as I brace my hands against the counter. Both Violet and Peeta look at me concerned but the pain in my stomach gets more intense and I let out another yell of pain. I slide to the floor and double over in pain.

I clutch my belly protectively as the pain doesn't subside. I screw my eyes shut as I shake my head. This can't be happening.

Peeta has dropped down beside me and placed a hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles.

"Katniss, is everything alright? What's wrong?" he asks, concerned.

I shake my head as I don't want to admit what I think is happening. I feel a wetness suddenly in my underwear and as I try to straighten up I see the blood beginning to bloom on the front of my pants. Peeta's eyes grow wide with shock and he looks back to share a worried look with his wife. Rye looks terrified and Violet pushes him so he is behind her legs.

Peeta looks back to me with even more concern on his face.

"Katniss, is there any chance you're pregnant?" he asks.

I manage to nod my head before there is another sharp pain and I double over again. I release another cry of pain.

Peeta and Violet share another panicked look and Violet begins ushering Rye out the room.

"You need to take her to her mother. I'll send someone to the mines. Gale needs to know," she says.

Peeta nods his head in agreement before turning back to me. He's still rubbing his hand against my back and he dips his head down to try and look at me.

"We need to get you to your mom. Can you get up?" he asks.

I try to push up on my feet but the pain is almost blinding now and I cry out before toppling back over again.

"Whoa. I got you," Peeta says.

He reaches out to steady me and I lean against him for balance. I close my eyes again as I try to breathe through the pain. Peeta looks back up to Violet.

"Take her. She's going to need her family," Violet says sombrely.

I hate the look of pity in her eyes. She knows what is happening just as much as I do. She knows there is little hope.

Peeta nods and then puts his hands underneath me to scoop me up and stand with me in his arms. I rest my head against his shoulder as I wrap my arms around his neck. I keep my eyes shut firmly to stop the tears from falling.

Peeta is already walking with me out the door. The last thing I hear is Rye's worried voice asking what is happening to me.

* * *

Empty. That's all I feel. There is this big gaping hole inside of me where my child is supposed to be. But it is gone. Dead. Never to take a breath in this dreadful world.

There was nothing Mom could do when Peeta brought me home and laid me on the bed. I didn't know I could lose so much blood. All I could see was red. But the baby was gone by the time Mom had taken me out of my blood stained clothes.

I wasn't that far gone. Just ten weeks. It was only a small thing. But it was still my child and I couldn't keep it safe.

I didn't want children for a long time. I didn't want to bring one into this world that is full of poverty and everlasting hunger. I didn't want to have a child and then fear for its safety every year its name is put in the reaping bowl. I didn't want to put a child through this life.

But Gale has always wanted one. And there were times when I was round playing with Rye and I could imagine playing with a child of my own. I suddenly began to imagine what a child of mine would be like. Would it inherit my scowl and stubbornness? Or maybe a voice just like my father's? It was a nice game to play.

And then Violet got pregnant and I realised I was jealous. I was jealous of her and the child she was carrying. Though I was jealous for all the wrong reasons.

I stare emotionlessly at the wall. I don't want to move. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I've failed my baby and it is gone because of me.

I hear muffled voices through the door. Gale's not arrived yet but Peeta hasn't left. He doesn't want to leave me alone. I don't try to pick up what he is saying to my mom. I don't care what they are saying are about me. I just want to stop feeling this pain.

A moment later the door creaks open and Peeta peeks his head round. He gives me a look full of sorrow as he makes his way towards me and crouches down beside me. The front of his shirt is stained with blood. My blood. The blood that is a reminder that I lost the baby. I screw my eyes shut to try and get the image of me lying in Peeta's arms, bleeding, as the baby lost its life, out of my head.

But Peeta reaches out to take my hand and rubs circles over my palm. I snap my eyes back open to look at him. I can only see sadness in his eyes.

"I'm so sorry. I am not even going to pretend I know what you are feeling right now," he says.

If anyone else had said this I would I have screamed for them to get out. I don't need people's pity. But with Peeta, I know it is not that. He is genuinely upset about my pain.

"It's my fault," I admit.

Peeta shakes his head fiercely at me and grips my hand tighter.

"Don't dare blame yourself. No one knows why these things happen. It's not your fault," he replies.

I blink back a tear as I shake my head at him. I didn't expect seeing him now to be so hard.

"No. It is. The baby knew I was having it for all the wrong reasons. That's why it died," I say.

"You and Gale love each other and wanted to create a family together. There is no better reason to have a baby," Peeta replies.

I shake my head again. I need to admit this out loud or otherwise the guilt is going to kill me. I fell pregnant for all the wrong reasons. I am ashamed about my motives.

"That's not why I agreed to fall pregnant. I was jealous," I admit.

Peeta looks at me quizzically as he shakes his head.

"Jealous? Of what? Other people with children?" he asks.

I shake my head again as I sniff back a tear.

"I was jealous of Violet. Jealous that she was pregnant again. Jealous that I was not the one carrying _your_ child," I say.

Peeta freezes and his eyes grow wide in shock. He drops my hand as he leans away from me. He looks at me with so much confusion.

I've haven't admitted this to anyone but when Violet announced she was pregnant for the second time something inside of me broke. It killed me to see Peeta rub her belly and whisper words of love in her ear. That was the first time I admitted to myself that I had fallen in love with him.

I wanted to be the girl he wrapped his arm around and wanted him to whisper mumblings to my swollen stomach. I wanted him to look at me like he looks at her, with pride and joy, and I wanted him to spend afternoons with me as he chased our child about.

It wasn't a child I wanted. It was Peeta's child I wanted.

My dreams have become filled with dark haired children with blue eyes and floppy blond kids with grey ones. All involve Peeta and me lying in the meadow as we watch the children dance and run around us. I never knew I could want something so much. And I feel awful for wanting it.

It's not like Gale and I are having problems. Something is just different now. Our relationship was always so passionate but now, as we have grown older, things have subdued and he doesn't make my heart pick up like he used to. And I hate that.

So to try to ease my guilt I told Gale I was ready to start a family. He was so ecstatic that he didn't question my change of heart and I tried not to think of blond hair and blue eyes as my husband made love to me.

I have been an awful wife. I may not have cheated on Gale physically but I have emotionally. I have been dreaming about another man for months now. It is another man's child I crave. This is my punishment. I lost the baby because of my betrayal to Gale.

Peeta doesn't get a chance to say anything though because we hear the front door slam open and Gale barges into the room. He's covered in coal dust and sweat and his eyes only show pain and heartbreak.

He pushes Peeta to the side as he bends down to talk to me. Peeta wobbles to the side and still looks dazed by my revelation as Gale speaks to me.

"I came as soon as I could. I'm so sorry, Katniss. I can't believe this has happened," he says.

He leans his head against mine and I burst into tears because I feel so guilty. Gale wraps me in his arms and a tear slips down his cheek. I hate that I have done this to him.

Peeta stands, still bewildered, as he watches us embracing. It is clear he doesn't know what to say or do so he just clears his throat which grabs our attention.

Gale pulls away and almost looks surprised to see Peeta standing there. I don't think he really registered Peeta was in the room.

"I'll go back to the bakery now. I'm sorry, Katniss," he says.

I can't even muster a smile for him. I've changed things between us. I can see it in the way he is looking at me now. Like he doesn't know who I am anymore.

I can't take back my words. He knows I feel more for him than I should and that has changed our relationship forever.

Gale nods his head at Peeta.

"Thank you for bringing her here. But I'm here to look after her now," he says.

Peeta nods his head and Gale turns back round to face me. He expects Peeta to leave now. But Peeta stands staring at me for a moment longer. I can see he doesn't know what to make of my revelation but with Gale here he knows he's not going to get answers. Eventually he shakes his head in disbelief before he turns and walks out the room.

I screw my eyes up to stop the tears from falling again. I hate myself for being disappointed that he is leaving.

* * *

The next three months I go through the motions. I hunt. I trade. I cook. I only focus on my next task. I barely acknowledge those around me.

Gale is worried about me. I hardly talk to him and barely smile. He, of course, was devastated at first when I lost the baby but he has since come to terms with it and is ready to move on. He wants us to try again.

But I can barely look at him let alone have him touch me. I feel guilty for failing to protect his child. Guilty for wishing that child was another man's and guilty for craving Peeta's arms to comfort me. I hate myself for the look of hurt and rejection that crosses Gale's features whenever I flinch away from his touch and yet I can't bring myself to reciprocate it. Not when it is Peeta I long for.

I haven't seen Peeta since the day I lost the baby. I've been avoiding him. I no longer go the bakery to trade, citing to Gale that the memories of losing the baby there are too painful. But it's not those memories that are keeping me away. It is my embarrassment of what I said to Peeta the last time I saw him.

I regretted almost immediately telling him that I wanted to carry his child. There was nothing to be gained from telling him. I don't expect him to be stupid enough to feel the same and I don't want him to leave his family for me. Telling him will have just confused him and now I have lost a friend as well as my baby.

I try to tell myself that I am being stupid. I love Gale and I can't imagine my life without him. I should forget about Peeta and let Gale in. That's the sensible thing to do. Dwelling on Peeta is just going to bring a lot of people a lot of pain.

But letting go of Peeta is a lot harder than I could have ever thought.

It is him that eventually finds me three months after my miscarriage. I am coming through the meadow after a rather less than successful day's hunting when I spot him standing in the middle of the field, waiting for me.

He looks dishevelled with his shirt untucked and his blond curls sticking out at odd angles. His skin looks grey and dark circles rim his eyes. It's shocking to see him like this and I can't imagine what has got him so agitated.

For a moment we are both stuck staring at each other like we've just seen a ghost. In three months I have forgotten the exact slope of his nose and the pattern of freckles across his cheek. I have forgotten just how long and pale his eyelashes are. It amazes me that they don't tangle together when he blinks. My eyes greedily soak him in as my heart begins to thump at seeing him again.

I think about turning and running away from him. I'm not ready to face him. I don't think I ever will be. I naively thought I could just ignore him until I had gotten over this. But there is something in his gaze that keeps me from running. He may look tired and run down but there is also a determination there. A determination to get answers.

I hold my breath as he takes a step towards me. My heart beat picks up as my brain rushes through all the possible things he could have to say to me.

"You've been avoiding me," he states.

He looks me straight in the eye when he says this and I have to look down to avoid it.

"I haven't had anything to trade," I mumble.

It's an obvious lie and Peeta knows it. He takes another few steps towards me until he is standing directly in front of me. My body instantly reacts to having him so close and goosebumps rise on my arms. My heart seems to rise in my chest making it difficult to breathe.

"Bullshit, Katniss! Don't lie to me. You can't say those things you did and then ignore me for the next three months! You can't expect me to forget that," Peeta says a little angrily.

I flinch at his tone. I don't want him to hate me.

"What did you mean by it? I don't understand what you meant," he asks, the confusion now coming through in his voice.

I hate that I have made him sound like that. But he's making things harder. I don't want to have to talk about this with him. I've already said too much. Saying it all out loud is going to make it that bit harder to forget.

But he is still standing looking at me fiercely. I know he's not going to let me go without answers.

"What do you think it meant? I wanted to be the one carrying your child because I fell in love with you! I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself," I reply trying to hide the tremor in my voice.

Peeta is shocked into silence and his eyes grow wide. All the air is knocked out of him. He stumbles away from me slightly as he runs a hand through his hair. He turns his back to me as my heart continues to hammer in my chest.

I don't want to have this conversation with him. I don't want to talk through my feelings for him. I've suffered enough pain as it is.

Peeta runs another agitated hand through his hair before turning back around to face me with pained eyes.

"How long have you felt this way?" he asks

I shrug my shoulders.

"I'm not sure exactly. A while. I only admitted it to myself after Violet fell pregnant again," I reply.

Peeta shakes his head in disbelief. I can't really tell what he is thinking. He seems angry about my declaration but I am not sure why.

"Fuck! Why did you have to tell me this now? I was doing fine. I have Violet and Rye and another baby on the way. I was happy," he says.

He seems really confused and conflicted. He's pacing in front of me and running his hands through his hair. He keeps shaking his head as if he can't believe this is real. And it just confuses me more.

"Why does it even matter to you? I know you are happy with your family. I know you don't feel the same," I say.

Peeta stops his agitated movements and turns to face me straight on. His eyes penetrating into mine.

"You're wrong. You're so wrong," he says shaking his head.

I frown a little confused by what he is saying. Peeta takes a few steps towards me.

"I've been in love with you since we were children, Katniss. Since I was five years old," he stresses.

My heart stops and I look back at him in disbelief. He can't be saying this. He's in love with his wife. He's the perfect husband. Everyone says so.

He's taken another step towards me and reaches out to gently caress the side of my face.

"Rye isn't the only one to have you as his first crush. I remember hearing you sing in music assembly on the first day of school. It was so beautiful that all the birds outside stopped singing to listen to you. From that moment on I was a goner," he says.

I stare up at him in disbelief. How can he have liked me for that long? He didn't even know me then. How can it be possible?

"I never had the courage to talk to you at school and then you were with Gale so it didn't matter. I came to terms with the fact I had missed my chance and set about making a life with Violet. It has been hard these last few years when I've actually managed to become your friend because what I felt before was puppy love compared to what I feel for you now. But I was happy with Violet knowing that my feelings for you were unrequited. Now you have ruined it all by telling me this now!" he exclaims.

I furrow my eyebrows at him, not liking the fact that he is blaming me for this. If what he says is really true then he's partly to blame for this too. He had years to tell me how he felt but didn't.

"You think I wanted this? I was happy too until you started talking to me in the bakery. If you hadn't been so charming and kind I would have never have fallen for you!" I shout back.

The tension is rising now. All our emotions are simmering inside of us ready to erupt. I don't know if we'll be able to recover if they all come pouring out.

We've both made mistakes but neither of us our willing to admit them. I turn to make a move to leave and put some distance between us because I don't see a good resolution for this. But Peeta reaches out to grab me by the arm and spins me back round to face him. He takes another step closer so our bodies are pressing up against each other as he looks at me fiercely.

"No. You don't get to just walk away and ignore me again. I need help understanding this," he says firmly.

He's holding onto me tightly and my heart is pounding as hard as it ever has. But while there is anger behind his eyes there is also a lot of confusion. He's as conflicted about all of this just as much as I am.

"Why?" he asks, his voice suddenly sounding all vulnerable.

I take in a deep breath as he continues to hold my gaze. The anger is gone now and there is just pain and confusion. He just wants to know why I fell for him.

"Because of the bread. You gave me hope," I whisper.

I don't know if he remembers that night in the rain but I know I always will. It was that bread that reminded and gave me enough strength to go hunting in the woods again. It was the bread that allowed me to fill my sister's belly.

I realise that I've felt a connection to Peeta ever since that day. It's been there ever since and I have always kept an eye on him. I was there when he finally became wrestling champion in our final year of school. I noted it when he started decorating the cakes in the bakery. I remember hearing how he proposed to Violet in the town square. The connection is deeper than I ever realised. It is that connection that allowed me to open up enough to become his friend. It is that connection that allowed me to fall in love with him.

He's not the only one that has noticed the other since we were children.

I can tell by the way Peeta's eyes grow sombre that he does remember that day. He lets out a sigh as he reaches up to cup my cheek in his hand.

"I wished I could have done more for you. Been braver against my mother," he states sadly.

I shake my head sadly. He did more than enough.

"You saved our lives," I reply.

Peeta leans forward to rest his head against mine and he closes his eyes as he inhales deeply. I reach up to tuck a curl behind his ear and savour the feel of his hand against my cheek. We shouldn't be here together. We shouldn't be saying these things. We shouldn't be touching each other like this.

We both know that nothing can change once we leave this meadow. We both have families that we love and don't want to hurt but in this moment they don't seem to matter. I never imagined when he confronted me today that all these feelings would have been revealed. Neither of us can go back to being ignorant to how the other feels and some sort of closure is needed for us both.

So even though it is wrong and a betrayal to those we love, I reach up and place a kiss on Peeta's lips.

It takes him a moment to respond, to realise that this is actually happening, but he soon begins to reciprocate as he cups my cheeks firmly in his hands and kisses me deeply.

A spark is immediately ignited between us as I push my body against his and run my hands across his strong back. A fire begins to lick up my body as he slides his hands down my neck and body until they curl around my waist and grip me tightly. I moan as the heat begins to build in my core. I press closer against him, eager to feel him long and hard against me and to stoke the fire deep within me. There's an electricity running through my body that I don't normally feel with Gale.

Peeta groans as I buck my hips into him and gently bite down on his bottom lip. He squeezes me tighter and I let out a little yelp as he ducks his head down to gently nip the skin at the base of my neck. I thread my hands through his curls and guide him to a spot just behind my ear that has my knees trembling and threatening to give out from underneath him.

But Peeta just clutches me closer to him as he drops us both to our knees and then pushes me back against the tall grasses in the meadow.

I relish the feel of his body weight resting on top of me. His hands are dancing all over my body, sweeping and sliding and leaving a trail of fire all over me. His masterful hands find my breasts and begin kneading them. I moan as his hands slip over fabric and mould my breasts with ease. How many times have I watched him knead bread and thought about how it would feel to have him kneading me? The fire roars in my body at even greater force as I burn as brightly as the sun.

Somewhere, part of my brain knows this is wrong. That I am betraying Gale and hurting Peeta's wife. But the sensations Peeta is causing to course through my body are too strong. His touch and smell are everywhere and I need to get my fill.

I'm soon dipping my hand underneath his shirt and tugging at its ends to get it to come off. Peeta breaks away only slightly to allow me to remove it before he is back pushing me against the earth and pulling my father's hunting jacket off me. We are soon both scrabbling at each other's clothes as the need to feel each other skin to skin intensifies.

Once Peeta has finally pulled my pants off me he reaches down to take my dark nipple in his mouth. His name falls from my lips as he licks and suckles it while I run my hands through his hair. He's playing my body just right as he alternates suckling my breasts while the other is worked in his hands.

I can feel the wetness seeping out and dripping down my thighs. I reach down between us to find Peeta long, hard and sticky from my juices. I dip my fingers into me to gather some extra lubrication before I bring my hand back out to grip Peeta tightly.

He lets out a strangled moan as I begin to work him and he removes his mouth from my breast to rest his head against my shoulder.

"Fuck, Katniss. I'm not going to last if you keep that up," he moans as my thumbs sweeps up and twists round his head.

I smile back up at him as he reaches up to gently caress the side of my face. He pants heavily as he leaves a sloppy kiss on my lips as I continue to work him. I watch his face carefully, using his facial expressions to guide my movements. Soon his hips start gently thrusting into my hand I move him so his cock is hovering above my entrance. We both stop as we turn to look each other.

"This is it. This is our one time to be together," I say.

Peeta nods his head and my thumb gently runs up and down his length. He leans down to kiss me deeply.

"Once. This can only happen once," he replies a little sadly.

I give him a sad smile in return before I slowly guide him into my entrance. Peeta hisses as he slides inside of me and I feel every inch of him. Involuntarily I clench around him and he groans as he sinks deep within me.

We pause momentarily as we memorise the feeling of him being inside of me. There is a softness in Peeta's eyes as he looks down at me. He reaches down to stroke a sweaty strand of hair off my face before leaning down and placing a soft kiss on my lips.

This is our one moment. Our one moment to succumb to our feelings and betray the ones we love. Our one time to try and gain closure.

Peeta is soon moving in and out of me gently. I sigh as I push my head back against the ground and allow my senses to take over. I wrap my legs around Peeta's hips to lock him tightly into place. He blue eyes keep me pinned to the ground. I focus on nothing else but the colour of those eyes and the feeling of him moving inside of me. He seems to fit so well and I gasp when he catches that sweet spot deep within me.

We try to keep a measured pace but there are too many built up emotions to keep things steady. I am soon rocking my hips to urge Peeta to go faster and deeper and he responds with a groan and a tighter grip on my hips as he moves faster.

He's hitting me in that same spot again and again and my chest heaves as I try to keep up.

It is all so overwhelming. His familiar smell of cinnamon and dill surrounding me. His hands running all over me. His kisses leaving a fire on my body. It is fast becoming too much.

Peeta snakes a hand down between us and presses a thumb against my clit. I cry out as I grip him to me closer and my walls shatter around him. My whole body trembles as my orgasm wracks through it.

Peeta pumps into me a couple more times before wrenching himself out of me and spilling himself on the ground. We are both left panting, sweating and with grass in our hair as we come down from our climaxes.

Slowly we regain our breath and I use a large leaf to clean myself up. Peeta looks at me apologetically as he hands me my shirt.

"Sorry. I couldn't risk it," he says.

I give him an understanding smile in return as I take my shirt off him and put it on.

"We don't want to make things any more complicated than they already are," I agree.

Peeta nods his head as we both get dressed in silence. Even if it is Peeta's child I crave I don't want to have to deal with the consequences if I had let him finish inside of me.

Once our clothes are back in place we stand staring at each other a little awkwardly. We both know what is going to happen now but we are both reluctant to admit it.

Eventually Peeta steps forward and wraps me in his arms. Automatically I wrap my arms around him and bury my head into his shoulder. I inhale his scent deeply to try and memorise it for later. His arms feel so good and strong around me. Here I feel safe. I am already dreading the moment when I have to let go.

"What do we do now?" I ask.

Peeta lets out a weary sigh as he squeezes me tighter.

"I don't know. I guess we try to forget," he replies sadly.

I pull back slightly to look in his eyes. I see my own pain being mirrored back at me. This is as difficult for him as it is for me but we both know this is the right thing for us to do.

Maybe in a different life, one where I thanked Peeta for the bread sooner or one where he gathered up the courage to talk to me in school, we could have been together. We would have fallen in love in a more conventional manner and when there were no other people to hurt in the process. We probably would have been happy.

But things didn't turn out that way. We both have other spouses that we love, even if it might not be enough right now. Neither of us want to hurt them and Peeta has his children to think about. This will be the only time we succumb to temptation.

Once is all we can have.

Peeta leans in to place a kiss on my forehead.

"I love you, Katniss Hawthorne," he whispers as he pulls away.

I smile back at him but know this is the only time I am going to hear those words leave his lips.

"I love you too, Peeta Mellark," I reply.

* * *

I don't see him for another four months. It's the depths of winter and the whole district is covered in snow and slowly freezing inside their homes.

Gale has his arm around me as we both try to keep warm as we go about our Sunday trades. There is a small smile on my lips as Gale whispers nonsense in my ear. I've really tried these last few months to be a better wife to him. I've stopped shutting him out and let myself smile in his presence.

There are still times when I imagine it is Peeta's arms around me and his lips against my skin as I make love to my husband but I will never act on it. I've had to let him go.

I've told Gale I will never have children. I can't put myself through that pain again and he understands. He still looks in longing when Prim and Rory bring their kids round but he has accepted that it's never going to happen for us.

I catch sight of Peeta as he builds a snowman with Rye outside the bakery. He carefully helps Rye roll a ball of snow that is bigger than Rye himself. Violet appears at the door holding a baby swaddled in layers of blankets as she looks out on her boys fondly. She laughs as Rye jumps about excitedly, desperately trying to reach the top of the snowman to put on the eyes. Peeta smiles too as he bends down to pick Rye up and lift him so his son can finish his snowman. Rye beams with pride as he surveys his creation. He then turns to hold out his arms towards his mother asking to hold his baby sister so he can show her what he made. Violet smiles at him again as she carefully hands him the baby and tells him to be careful.

I watch the family carefully as I note how happy they seem. Rye in particular has a huge smile on his face. I am glad that he is so happy and safe. He deserves all the happiness he can get.

Peeta catches my eye as I walk past. He gives me a small smile and I return it with one of my own.

There's still a mutual longing for each other. I think it will always be there. We will never shake each other completely and part of me will always love him. But there is also a mutual acceptance. Acceptance that once is all we could have.

And we have to be okay with that.


End file.
